Training Your Human 101

Guest Blogger - Jack Bear from Professional Society for Training Humans

 I woke up and stretched across my big bed. The human was crowding me again. I don't understand why she can't stay on her own side of the bed. I stood up and finished my stretching hoping to wake the human, as is our morning routine. I knew there were more humans (her sister and mother) staying in the house today and it was my duty to make sure they were awake and ready to play with me.

I got down off the bed, making sure to grunt when I hit the floor. The human still refused to stir. Boy, could she be stubborn. Deciding there was no other option, I began barking and whimpering at her. "Ja-ack!" she squealed. Success! With plenty of back-talking and complaining, she got up and took me outside. Seriously, it's the least she could do. I don't make her wait to go potty. She goes whenever she wants. It's really crazy how stubborn humans are.

Anyway, it seemed as thought we were going to continue our morning routine peacefully. She took her sweet time getting dressed to take me out, but we got there eventually. We came back inside and she prepared my breakfast. This is all normal, but this is where the normalcy ended.

My human then proceeded to sit in the living room with her mom and sister. What! This is not what we do. Our normal routine is for me to eat breakfast while she goes into the office, sits at her desk and stares at the computer screen while drinking coffee. She hits the buttons on the computer repeatedly, grunts, looks distressed and makes odd sounds. I'm used to this by now. I lay in my bed next to her chair and get to play with special toys. Occasionally, I get a treat. After about two hours, I start barking and whimpering at her and she takes me for a walk. That's what normally happens.

So, anyway, my human is sitting in the living room talking to her mom and sister. I see it as part of my Alpha Dog/Man of the House role to ensure that my human behaves properly. This includes sticking to our routines. I begin barking at her. She ignores me, even squealing, "Ja-aaaa-ck" and "shush". Seeing that she was not going to cooperate this morning, I decided more desperate measures were needed. I began scratching at the door, knowing how much that bothers her. "Ja-ack, I just took you out! You don't need to go! Stop!" These silly remarks continued for a while, but finally she caved (like always). When she stood up and came over to me, I turned on her and began biting her heels and toes. (Note to all dogs out there: humans will walk where you want them to when you use this approach. In my experiences, it has been very successful.) Anyway, I then guide her into the office. She is squealing and screaming the entire time - really humans are too loud, always yapping!

Finally, I get her to the chair. She smarts up to my plan and sits down like a good girl. To reward her, I stop biting her heels and lay down quietly in my bed. I look up at her using my most adorable puppy eyes knowing she can't be mad at me. She begins smiling and laughing; then, she reaches down and scratches my ear while telling me I'm a good dog. I really don't get humans. One minute they are yelling at you then they act like your best friend. Her mom and sister then come into the room laughing as well. I guess I didn't get the joke.

Since you are wondering, my human punched away on the computer for about thirty minutes then I got my walk. See, humans can be trained! :)